Paramecia & Peace

At some point in your life, you come across those paramecia that you hope you never have to encounter. But for some reason, only God knows, you have to endure them and you learn a lot about yourself during the process. I learned a lot and appreciate the experience so as to never make the same mistakes again. I never thought to care easily and deeply was going to send me down that path into darkness. But I think this is a characteristic about me I will not loose. Its part of what makes me who I am. It's why my two passions in life is teaching and nursing, both requiring the ability to care and to care freely, openly and without abandon. To hinder this quality is to compromise my true nature but perhaps there is a time and a place for it.

Perhaps that is the message I am supposed to learn. I made mistakes, I was naive. At one point I loved a human more than I loved God, this was my truest and biggest mistake. And what's more is that I told him so! I don't think you get any more idiotic than that! I was an innocent, I gave into it all willingly, what I felt, what I thought he felt. Everything. It was stupid and foolish. I was wrong to do so and all I ever got for doing so were literal and metaphorical bruises. These paramecia have a way of slipping through the cracks and entering your psyche. Like a leech they hold on tight and won't let go until they have sucked you dry of your life force, of your noor, of your light. I constantly seek refuge of Allah from such individuals. And when those of the past creep up upon me as they have invaded my city and province, my birthplace, my sanctuary, I do my best to disinfect myself of them by making dua to Allah to protect me from those who did me such wrongs, and may they never do so to anyone else ever again.

At some point in this reflection, you may realize as I have, that you are being tested constantly, as it is rare to actively remind ones self of a traumatic event or period in ones life. I'll admit I am sick and tired of the tests, as I feel all I do is fail them. Simultaneously, I feel relieved that Allah has not forsaken me. If I am being tested then let it continue so long as Allah is the cause of them, inshAllah and thus a drive is present to work through the struggles and some day inshAllah I will have passed the test. For there is no peace in this dunyah, but may there be for all the righteous in the akhirah, and InshAllah some day I may be among them. I don't know who reads this blog, but if you do, even you the one to whom I make implications to, the one I have forgotten and have managed to erase from my mind (to my own astonishment), until someone actively reminds me of him, I hope even for you that your akhira be filled with peace. Ameen.